How to learn from your emotions, and from your partner's

How to put your emotions to good use to start fixing your relationship right now

 

Before going on, check which of the following emotions you feel most strongly about your relationship:

Anger (includes irritation and annoyance)

Anxiety (includes worry and fear)

Sadness (includes emptiness and disappointment)

Your emotions and your partner's contain important messages.

Your emotions are the first alert system of your life. Just like the warning lights on your car dashboard, they tell you when something is wrong, and point to particular areas that need attention.  Your partner's emotions can also tell you what he or she thinks is wrong, and show you where he or she is willing to pay attention. The feelings you sense can tell you what you never hear in words. And when your partner's words and emotions don't match, you know which ones you can really trust.

The basic emotions connected to relationship problems are fear, anger, and sadness.

With serious problems it's easy to feel overwhelmed, having several different feelings at once, experiencing extremes of emotions at times, sometimes not feeling anything at all. It can be enough to make you want to scream. Sorting out your emotions, individually, will bring clarity and clues about what to do.

By answering these questions, you can start to make sense of your emotions:

1.  Am I angry?  If you are then you are wanting your partner to do something or stop doing something. 

• Action Step: Write down, as specifically as you can, what you want your partner to do, and/or what your partner wants you to do.

2.  Am I afraid (worried)?  If you are afraid or worried, then you are imagining a bad outcome.

• Action Step: Write down, as specifically as you can, what you imagine may happen.

3.  Am I sad?  If you are sad, then either you have lost something real, or something that you imagined you had.

• Action Step: Write down, as specifically as you can, what you have lost.

You can understand your partner better by asking the same questions about his or her emotions.

Try to specifically determine the reasons connected to your partner’s emotions.  You will be missing some information, but having some idea of what your partner wants you to do or not do, is afraid of losing, and/or feels he or she has already lost, will really help you to see your partner not as a madman (or madwoman), but as a vulnerable human. Any bad behavior from your partner is an attempt to cope with that vulnerability.

Regardless of what your partner says, there is an underlying emotion driving the behavior

You and your partner may also do things to avoid or dull your feelings

Some people are so poor at getting what they need to feel better, they avoid their feelings by distraction (socializing, video games, TV, shopping, gambling, etc.), numbing (sleeping, overeating, alcohol, marijuana, etc.), and/or mood enhancing (sex, exciting or risky activities, cocaine, caffeine, exercise, etc.). Do you recognize an excess of any of these behaviors in yourself or your partner?

Become effective rather than reactive

Problems stop when people become effective at getting their needs met. Many times couples only need to improve their communication skills to become more effective. When someone has an uncommunicative or hostile partner, learning to set good boundaries, as well as communicating better can bring about a complete change in a partner's behavior. People can only survive on scraps of love for so long before they end the relationship. Learning the skills to be effective, rather than reactive, ensures that the relationship will continue and be a happy one.

Your partner wants to be happy too. That gives you common ground for working together.

You can start to be more happy and more effective today. Here are some good ways to do that:

• Download my free e-book on improving communication, reducing conflict, and getting closer
• Get a consultation session to find out just how to make your relationship better
• Choose one of three 30 day coaching packages to transform your relationship into one you will cherish for the rest of your life

Be thankful for your emotional warning system (and your partner's). It just might lead you to do something great.