Getting girlfriends, boyfriends, that last

 

7 Recommendations for more exciting dates and for having a really good relationship with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

When I was a kid, I hated gym class.

Not because I didn't like athletics, but because I stunk at team sports.  The gym teacher would have us line up and then choose two people who would pick their team members.  I was picked last.  Every time.  I would've felt sorry for the team that had to have me as a member, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.  Many single people struggle with this same sense of self doubt.  They feel there is no way for them to compete with all the better "players".

Single people want and need a relationship as much as anyone else, but believe that the only way to get dates and a relationship is to fool someone into liking them.

By pretending to be like somebody else. It's like the old high school dream of moving to another school where nobody knows you.  But, that wouldn't work.  If I did get picked 1st, or 2nd, or 3rd, at another school, they would have quickly learned that I stunk at sports.

Some people routinely move from short term relationship to short term relationship.

They are not the ones who break up.  Their partners break up with them.  It's like getting chosen for a team only to be kicked off.  Often, they get the consolation prize of sitting on the bench in case their partner's new girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't work out.   But,  is there anything more hurtful than being someone's backup girlfriend or boyfriend?

There is a way out of this situation for the high school kid and for the self-doubting single.

All it requires is a little faith, and a little hope to start.  You can have that when you realize that many other people have been in the same situation.  And some of them chose not to give up.  And some of those who chose not to give up were willing to do the scary thing.  To look at some part of themselves that they did not like and change it.  To realize that being picked means that others need to have a reason to pick you that's much better than feeling sorry for you.

Here are the steps to becoming selected, desired by others . . .

1.  Understand that those who do well, do so because of practice and learning.  None of the kids in my gym class were born good at sports.  They learned from their family and friends by playing together.  Meeting people, dating, getting along, working out problems, and being able to say "no" without fear are also skills that can all be learned.  Each one is an essential skill for a good relationship.

2.  Be available. Don't prematurely commit to relationships that just aren't right for you.  Don't allow yourself to be someone's consolation prize.  And don't pick your future husband or wife based on your belief that he or she is the best you can do .  Don't make your date or fiance feel like a consolation prize (gee, I'm with you because I couldn't find anyone better).  Can you imagine committing to someone who wishes they had someone better than you?  Someone who settled for you?

3.  Be noticeable. If you are available and no one knows it, you are not going to be picked for anything.  When you want to be on a team, you go to tryouts.  You learn why you failed and you work on it.  When you want to make friends and have dates, your tryouts are in the form of greeting and talking to people.  As your skills improve, you will get further with more people.  To learn from your mistakes you have to make them first.

4.  Keep dating.  It's so exciting to get chosen!  That will make your first relationship seem great even if it won't work in the long run.  You will be tempted to just hang on for dear life even after you find out the team you are on (you and your boyfriend/girlfriend) is having severe problems.  Keep trying out with others (making friends and other dates).  Be sure not to confuse "dating" with "relationships" and "acquaintances" with "friends".  They are not the same thing.

5.  Live up to your initial impression.  If you present yourself as a positive, open minded, person when you first date and then change into a controlling, needy, person in a relationship, then something is wrong.  You will lose respect.  You will be benched.  You need to have something inside you that keeps you consistent, even when other team members (your boyfriend or girlfriend) are having an off day.

6.  Play by the rules.  What are the rules in a relationship?  Always do what is in the best interest of the relationship, even if it means doing or saying something your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't want to hear.  When you "give in" to something you know is bad for your relationship you will experience more and more losses in your relationship.  You gradually will empty out all of your good emotions into the dirt.  Being part of a team (which is like a healthy relationship) means doing what is best for the team and not just what one of the players wants.

7.  Know when to cut a player. When your dates start to put your needs or theirs ahead of having a good relationship with you, it is time to take a firm stance.  If they continue, it is time to remove them from the candidate list.  People will do such things because of their neediness, their desire to manipulate you, or because of their inexperience.  You can help someone to get experience by setting good boundaries (and people who genuinely love you will hang in there).  You can't stop someone from being needy, but you can help create the conditions for them to stand on their own feet, instead of standing on yours.

These 7 recommendations are for singles.  But, I will offer one more for you to keep in mind for when you do make that commitment:

8.  Become a Most Valuable Partner (MVP).  When you first date, you are trying to be your best.  Transitioning into a relationship and keeping it, you will need to continue to be your best.  Be the person you want to be and the person who your partner committed to.  Work on being the most valuable player on your team (your relationship).  Then you will become irreplaceable.

If you are not being picked for jobs, for dates, for a friend, or for anything else, remember to think with an adult mindset.

People are not picking on you.  You are not a loser.  Your life is not over.  You won't always be miserable.  You will need to learn the skills that will make you both noticeable and valuable for the kind of friends, jobs, and relationships that you want to have.

There is a short cut to success and that is working with someone who can help you to identify your weakness and teach you the right way.

A baseball coach might show you a better way to grip your bat, swing, slide into a base, etc.  Can you imagine a baseball team sitting around with a bunch of books or computers trying to improve their game?  They need a coach who can see what they are doing and who can identify what they are missing.  They need to learn as they are doing.  You can't learn and then do.

We all do our best, but it's the things that we don't know or that we can't see about ourselves that prevent us from having more success.

A relationship coach will help you with both of these things and will also walk with you step by step.  As your mentor, guide, and most importantly, coach.