Getting an ex-boyfriend to come back

 

You can do what it takes to get your boyfriend back, and if you make the right changes, never lose him again.

It will do you little good to get your boyfriend back just to lose him again. 

To prevent that from happening, you need to deal with the conditions that led to the break up in the first place and make it more desirable for him to stay than to leave.  Also you will want things to be better for you.  I can teach you how to have both.  While there is no guarantee that he will come back, whether he does or not has more to do with what you are willing to do than with what he is willing to do.  I will share with you some of things my clients have learned working on getting their ex back (sometimes even an ex-husband).

Breakups feel like a punch in the gut or like somebody stabbed you in your heart.

Sudden and unexpected breakups trigger our emotional alarm system. Our appetite changes, we can't concentrate, it’s hard to sleep, and to get up, and when we are up, we keep replaying events over and over in our heads.  It's especially shocking if we didn't even know anything was wrong.  But, when we knew something was wrong it is so easy to get mad at ourselves.  Why didn't we fix it while we had the chance?   Why couldn't we see this coming?  Now, you're wondering if it's too late.

There are only two reasons for getting an ex-boyfriend back.

The first is that he is the best man for you.  The second is that you are the best woman for him.  As long as the first reason is true, you can work on making the second reason true.  Everyone wants to have the best that they can get.  When a boyfriend leaves, it’s because he either thinks that what he has (you) is not worth the effort and/or that he can do better elsewhere.  The effort he will put into the relationship is related to how much he values you.  That is where you can have some influence.

If you really are better than other women, that he can get, then sooner or later, he will be back

Your ex-boyfriend may need to first find out that you are the best.   If you already are, then all you need to do is keep the door open for his return without being needy or controlling (both lower your value).   We never need to be afraid of someone comparison shopping  if we have the best products. His shopping elsewhere can be a good thing for you if you are the best thing in town.

Your ex-boyfriend may be running from commitment more than he's running from you

If you truly are the best for him (again, this is where you can do the work to make sure you are), then it is a matter of keeping the door open until he is ready to commit. You won't put your life on hold to do that.  You won't give him "maintenance doses" of sex, either.  He will know that the door is open, but that if you should find someone better, the door will close and he will be shut out.   This is not a ploy, a trick, or manipulation.  Tricks are the act of a desperate woman.  Desperation lowers value.

Breaking up was his effort to have something better for himself

Obviously he didn't know how to fix the problems in your relationship any better than you did and he dealt with them by leaving.  As bad as this seems, it's actually a healthy thing.  It shows his desire to have better than what you both had.  Many men get used to a bad situation and aren’t willing to do anything.  But your ex-boyfriend has shown a willingness to take action.  His action gives you a chance to do something before the feelings have totally died and gone for both of you.

Don’t blow your chance by being needy and desperate

The question right now is not how to get him to call you or meet you or just walk back in the door.  If you put all your effort into that, he may be sympathetic and give in temporarily (often for one night), but since you haven’t changed and he hasn’t changed, he will soon be gone again.  The place to put your effort now is increasing your self-respect, your respect from him, and your value for the man you will eventually have a permanent relationship with (whether it’s your ex-boyfriend or not).  This general emphasis will improve your life and not just shape you to what your ex-boyfriend would like you to be (which is a good way to lose respect).

It's not too late

As final, or permanent his last words may have seemed to you, things can change and there are things that you can do.  His best assumption is that you are not going to change and that his situation and yours won't be any better if he gets back together with you.  If you don’t learn how to work on the issues that are in your relationship, then he would be 100% right in his assumption.  If you want him back permanently, don't rush to be with him, but do get busy making sure it will be best for you and him when you do get back together.

Don’t get caught up in the idea that the only way to work on the problems is if he joins you in counseling

He has already demonstrated that he would rather leave than do that.  His thinking about having to go to counseling will just create more resistance to his coming back to you.   There are many things you can learn, on your own, about talking to him and dealing with issues that you both have.  Most importantly, you can learn how to earn his respect. Any man who would want to commit to you has got to first respect you.  Women without respect get used, women with respect get relationships.  All bad relationships suffer from lack of respect.

Beware of neediness--one of the most addictive and destructive relationship patterns.

If you just want to get your ex-boyfriend to come sleep with you again, then it might help to be  whiny and tearful and begging and pleading and desperate.  Then your ex-boyfriend may come sleep with you, and comfort you, before he says seeing you again was a mistake, he shouldn't have done that, and leave again. And then he will be more resistant to your contact.  But you can’t just switch off your neediness, so you must deal with your emotions.  Don't deal with them by sacrificing a long term relationship for one night of comfort.  You will hate yourself in the morning (after he tells you it was a mistake).

Effectively deal with your emotions (sadness, anger, loneliness, etc.)

How do you do that?  By recognizing that you have experienced a traumatic event. Your mind is trying to deal with it.  It’s overloaded with emotions and if you make any decisions right now, they're probably not going to be very good ones.  Now is the time to get support from your friends, from your family, or from your dog.  It's a time for crying and getting your emotions out.  And it's not a time for medicating your emotions with food, alcohol, or your credit card.

The intensity of your feelings is a measure of the intensity of your attachment

The goal here is not to stop feeling, but to stop being desperate.  Rather than feeling desperate, your emotions should shift to feeling sad, but motivated.  Motivated to make changes that will improve your life and make you an even better partner for your boyfriend.  Motivated to make him be the stupid one if he doesn’t take you back.  If all you can do is remain an emotional basket case, it will just prove that your boyfriend was right to break up with you.

Become less needy

What is being needy?  Being needy is not being able to function without your boyfriend.  Being needy is the force that makes you betray your beliefs, and do things which you know you will later regret.  Being needy is the thing that keeps your boyfriend from respecting you.  And while it's nice to be needed, it's difficult to love somebody you don't respect.  Can you love someone you don’t respect?  When I help a woman to earn her husband’s respect, she also deepens the connection between them.

The person who is needy excessively depends on charity or compromises her values to get what she wants

She won’t like herself, she won't like what she sees in the mirror, and so she needs somebody else to make her feel good about herself.  Becoming less needy means doing more and more things that make you feel good about yourself.  It means knowing how to deal with the situations that impact your life.  Family, friends, relationships, career, health, and values are all a part of it.

Deal with reasons for the breakup

The breakup happened for a reason.  If the reason was your neediness, then hopefully you're going to work on that.  Was the reason for the breakup poor communication?  Then you can learn how to communicate better.  In fact, it's going to be essential that you learn how to communicate better with your boyfriend so that you can keep the relationship alive while you are earning respect and becoming more valuable.

Did your ex-boyfriend breakup because there was fighting?

Then learn what to do instead of fighting.  Don't expect your boyfriend to come back and learn it with you.  At this point he doesn’t have a reason to. Was the problem a lack of sharing?  Then learn how to deal with closed down people.  It's not magic.  It's a skill counselors use on a daily basis to get people to open up.  You can learn the very same skills.  You don't have to be a counselor.

Were the problems financial?

Then learn how to deal with finances.  The bottom line is, when you get your chance to show your boyfriend that things are different--then they really need to be different.  If you just try to suppress bad behavior and be very nice, your boyfriend will just think you're temporarily being very nice (which you are) and eventually, things will go back to the way they were, and the breakup will happen all over again.  But, then, your chances of getting back together again will be much lower.

Don't worry about him finding another woman.

The only time you have to worry about your boyfriend finding another woman is if you have less to offer than other women do.  If you truly are a woman of high-value, then he will realize that when he's with his next one.  He will be with her, but thinking of you.  If you are desperate, and needy, or the only thing you have to offer is sex or a desire to talk and do things with him, then you are easy to replace and more easily forgotten.  A woman of value is like a precious diamond that a man will sell all his possessions to have.

As your value increases your neediness disappears and your attractiveness grows

How do you feel about men who have their act together—good career, friends, a passion in life that doesn’t involve sex or TV, and who doesn’t get all frustrated or upset because you say something he doesn’t like?  How do you suppose men feel about women who are this way?  When they just want sex, they couldn’t care less.  But, when they commit to you, healthy men will love this.

Know what he wants, not what you think he should have

Part of getting your ex-boyfriend back will be really learning more about him.  Learning what motivates him and what he fears.  These are the things that are deciding his actions.  More than ever, you need to listen to anything that he says,  without defending, without making promises, and without talking about getting back together.  Go by his words, without guessing his meanings.  When you go by what people say then they quickly learn they have to say what they mean.  If you can't talk this way, then learn from a relationship coach how to do it.

The most common advice that you will get from people is to forget about your ex-boyfriend.

Well, if you can do that it would be much easier, wouldn't it?  And if your ex-boyfriend truly was a loser, a no good person for you, why should you hold onto him?  But, if he is a man of quality who is making a good decision because of a bad relationship or because it was hurting you both more than helping you, then he may be a man worth pursuing.  Don’t let a man like that go easily.  You don’t want him to be the one you think about while you’re with another man in the future.  Everybody would lose out all around.

There is no guarantee you will get him back, but...

If you're working on your own values, becoming less needy and more valuable than other women, then you will be worth pursuing.  Most of the work of a relationship is not trying to make your partner better for you, but it’s becoming better for your partner. I love my wife and she is the best partner for me.  I want to be the best for her.  Part of that means knowing how to deal with her moods and how to help her with her dreams.  Those are things she can’t teach me.  And those are things that you can learn for your partner.

Men are a dime a dozen, but good men aren’t

So, get past your emotions without desperation and then make a decision about whether your ex-boyfriend is really a good man or you are a really needy woman.  Either way, you have work to do.   Relationship coaching is your best place to start.  Relationship coaches help with your relationship, not by analyzing you and trying to convince you you’re crazy to try to get your ex-boyfriend back.  If you say you want to work on getting your boyfriend back, a relationship coach is not going to try to convince you otherwise (a counselor, though, is likely to, so decide carefully which one you see).  People do get back together after breaking up and some people remarry the same person.  The ones who make it work are the ones who make the changes.  Search your heart for the answers and if you want me to, I will help you to get your ex-boyfriend back.

The skills you need are offered in the Separated Partner coaching package.