Relationship doubts, struggles, frustrations

 

You want to remove your doubts before taking action.  But,  only by taking action can we remove doubts.  Here is a way to end your frustration, stop thinking too much, and improve your relationship.

How this article will help:

1.  You will understand yourself better

2.  You will learn how to handle your doubts and make your thinking more productive.

Part 1:  Understand Yourself Better

When we get used to doing things one way, we stop looking for other ways.

Sadly, we get used to not talking to our husband or wife. We get used to the idea that our life is just the way it is. Getting used to things is our mind's way of adapting. It sure beats being continually reminded of how bad things are (what depressed people experience). But, it also keeps us from looking for better ways.  Do you think this applies to your husband or wife?  Could it apply to you?

Getting used to things keeps us from rocking the boat.

But, it doesn't keep the boat from heading into the rapids. If we don't take action, the boat may well head over the falls. In business, we try to maximize profits, but in relationships, we try to minimize losses. Thus, in business, we take small risks in the hope of a gain. In relationships, we avoid even small risks. We resist change even when change is the only thing that can keep us from going over the falls.

After the emotional kick in the gut of another fight,

or another bitter reminder of what we don't have, we become determined not to let the situation continue. But, minds that are hardwired to avoid pain and danger don't cooperate with our new ideas about change. Every time we try to make any change in our lives, we will need to deal with the attempts that our "inner voice" makes to stops us. And, our inner voice always knows what to say.  When your husband or wife tries to make changes, he or she also runs into this inner voice somewhere in the process.

Perhaps your inner voice will say, "Relationships involve two people, don't they?

And whenever there is a relationship problem, it involves both people, doesn't it? And doesn't it matter who started the problem? After all, if I didn't start the problem, then why should I be the one to work on the relationship?"  Unfortunately, in relationships with problems, both husband and wife tend to blame each other.  It only matters who started things when we are looking for reasons not to work on something.  Because doing something good doesn't really depend on who did something bad.

Or, perhaps your inner voice says, "It won't work".

"All it will do is make him/her more upset and then things will be even worse than now." Or, "What if he decides to leave? What will I do then? I can't support myself just on my income?" These questions make sense, because they are our thoughts. Our thoughts always make sense to us. The result is inner conflict--A desire for things to change along with inner messages that try to stop us.  And your spouse.

Part 2:  Learn to handle your doubts

The key to managing inner conflicts is not in getting counseling to remove the fears. That is impossible.  Fears are overcome only by facing them.

The key to growth and change is understanding that inner conflict signals an opportunity.  Focusing on the opportunity without trying to resolve the conflict (without waiting until you are not afraid) will result in change.  You can't stop an inner conflict by trying to stop being afraid.  Another way to think of this is as a first jump from a high diving board.  You want to do it, but your scared.  The longer you stand at the top of the board, the more scared you become.  The inner conflict is the desire to jump along with the fear of jumping.  There's only one way to stop the fear and that is by jumping.  Jumping will advance your abilities and your self confidence.  When you use your inner conflict as an opportunities to face your fears, your abilities will always improve.

 

 

Example A: Making Helpful Questions Based on Benefits

Inner voice: "He created the problems, why should I be the one who has to work on things?"
Changing it to more helpful questions: "Regardless of who started the problems, could I benefit from working on them?" "Although I don't have to work on anything, what are some of the possible benefits if I do?" "How could I learn helpful ways to respond to this situation?"

Example B: Making Helpful Questions Based on Fears

Inner voice: "She created the problems, why should I be the one who has to work on things?"
Changing it to more helpful questions: "What will happen if I don't work on things? What will be the long term consequences of just waiting for her to change?  What will I lose out on later if I don't take action now?

Example C: Making Helpful Questions Based on Desires

Inner voice: "He created the problems, why should I be the one who has to work on things?"
Changing it to more helpful questions: "Will waiting for him to change help me get what I want? Or, am I more likely to get what I want by not waiting for him?"

Responding to our fears with helpful questions empowers us to change.

Using a benefits-based, fear-based, or desire-based response to our inner voice will clearly point out what we need to do.

To Summarize:

Everyone experiences inner conflict when they think about changing anything. It's true for you, your friends, family, and your husband or wife.  People who get stuck are the ones who let their inner voice have the last word. We can understand their struggle, and we can choose to respond to this inner struggle like a successful person or as an average person.  We can use the success method of asking ourselves good questions instead of just reacting to our fears.  Getting to work on answering those good questions will allow us to sidestep our fears.

You can use your fears to show you where you can experience your next success.   Not by rushing out to meet them, but by learning to uncover the possibilities they are blocking.   Every fear is like a magician's black table cloth pulled over the top of an opportunity.  The questions, like coaches use, help you to reveal the opportunity.   (If you value this approach, but need a little  help with discovering the opportunities your fears are hiding, you can benefit from relationship coaching).  At first, the coach will ask you all the important questions that help you to move ahead.  Then, you will gradually learn what questions to ask yourself, for any situation in your life.  Even if you have never used this method before, using it now could open up doors to wonderful opportunities.