Feeling used in a relationship: What you need to know

In this article:

• The 3 Major Causes of Feeling Used
• Four Positive Responses to Make When Feeling Used
• Two Severe Problems that Require Extra Help
• A Real Life Success Story of Dealing with Feeling Used

 

Feeling used is a call to action for the sake of your relationship

Anyone who has worked with me at all knows that I see bad feelings as opportunities for making important and positive changes.  Not only that, but our feelings help us to know just what changes to make.  They tell us important things about our relationship, and they allow us to see where our relationship is headed before it gets there.

Dangers of feeling used

The main danger of feeling used is increasing distance in our relationships.  It is very hard to feel used and feel close to our partner at the same time.  The longer and the more we feel used, the more our feelings of love diminish.  Eventually, the very things that we do out of love can cause us to stop loving our partner.  If we openly blame our partner at this time, it only serves to speed up the process.  Partners never believe that they are using us, even when they are.  Blaming them will cause them to defend and distance, or attack and distance.  Neither one will keep us from being used or feeling used.

Three major causes of feeling used:

1. Poor boundaries and difficulty saying “no”.  It is not always desirable or necessary to say “yes” to our partner’s desires and requests.  People who have difficult saying “no” are often afraid of the reaction they will receive from their partner, or they are afraid their partner will love them less.  Both of these reasons are connected to neediness.  In reality, a person who always agrees with us or does everything we want is not attractive. It's hard to have respect for a doormat. 

2. Out of touch with reality.  The things that you believe are important for you to give or do for your partner may not actually match his or her expectations.  They may be a carryover from your earlier relationships or the way that you saw your parents behave.  Sometimes we blame our partners for things that we believe we have to do, but which they never asked us to do.

3. Doing too much.  The main culprits for doing too much is the attempt to “earn” love or to try to make up for feelings of guilt that we have.  Neither of these strategies works.  Love cannot be earned by doing things which make us resent our partner.  Giving and doing are great when they are motivated by our love.  If we try to get love by doing and giving, we come to expect a certain love “payoff” for our work.  When we don’t get it, our love for our partner decreases.  If we then work even harder to try to get our love payoff, we just create a vicious cycle.  The remedy for guilt is making amends and forgiveness, not overworking or overgiving.

 

Let your emotions guide you to be more effective

Use your emotions, but don't get drowned in them

When it feels like your partner does not care about you, it is easy to think that you made a mistake. That this man or woman is not right for you. Your every encounter can feel like a reminder that he doesn't love you as much as he used to. This way of thinking will make you pull away more and more and you will begin to seem as uncaring as your partner. Because you are here, reading this now, I know that you don't want this to happen to you.

Four positive responses to feeling used:

1. Communicate with your partner.  Communicating clearly and positively both prevents and ends many of the problems that people have in relationships. Learning how to respond to the way your partner communicates is also part of learning to communicate well. The better you can tailor your way of responding to your partner's habits and desires, the more effective will be your communication, the more your partner will be the way you want, and the less you will feel used.

2. Cut back. Learn how to decrease your load and how to say "no" to your partner in a way that builds the relationship. You will make your day easier as well as get more respect from your partner. Saying "no" is positive when it builds your relationship. Sometimes it is one of the most loving things you can do. 

3. Ask for more rather than working for more. Asking your partner for what you want in a way which is neither needy nor argumentative can increase your partner's desire to do more for you. It's often a good idea to practice this kind of communication with someone who already does this well, before you attempt to do it with your partner. 

4. Revise your stereotypes. You have the power to make yourself into any kind of person you want to be. Choose role models for yourself that inspire you to grow and approach life in a way that is appealing to you. Do you have a role model who is loving, but would never let herself (or himself) be used? Practice being that way. Any way that someone else has learned to be, you can learn to be also. 

Two severe problems that require extra help:

1. Feeling used by many people.  If you are feeling used by other people in addition to your partner (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) or if you have felt used in your previous relationships also, then you have a serious blind spot that is preventing you from seeing how you create this pattern.  It is sabotaging your success and your happiness.  Getting help with this now will make other people and you see yourself in a new and more grown up way. You will feel like you are getting from your relationships and not just giving.

2. Participating in a con.  Some partners really are intentionally using their partner.  They have little or no interest in the relationship other than what they can get from it in terms of money, maid service, sex service, child care, a green card, or other benefit.  Their words may say “I love you,” but their actions say that they don’t care at all.  They use and manipulate the relationship for years until they find someone else to use.  It is the ultimate in rejection. Without help you can feel emotionally battered or swallowed by hate, but with help and a step by step approach you can feel stronger as you reclaim your life. 

 

Relationship coaching example

Maria's problem

Maria’s husband was paying the bills, but using his remaining income for his “hobbies” of gambling and socializing with people other than his wife.  He didn’t help at home and treated his wife as though she should naturally desire to care for him, while he cared for himself. 

Maria's attempt to help herself

When Maria had complained to her husband about how much she does and how she wanted to spend more time with him, he would strongly remind her that thanks to him she had a roof over her head, the children were financially taken care of, and she didn’t need to work.  He told her that he deserved to relax when he wasn’t working and that she was selfish to think otherwise. 

Maria's thoughts and feelings

Maria had bought into this, but was becoming more and more sad and lonely as time went on.  She also felt used as she did a lot of work at home and all the childcare while her husband just enjoyed himself.  She couldn’t think about leaving her husband because of her obligation to the children, her lack of income, and her cultural beliefs about what a wife is supposed to do.  She was in a hole that was getting deeper and darker.

Maria's search for help

Maria came to me as a recommendation from her friend, and with financial help from her brother.  Maria did not know whether her husband loved her or not, she felt like a failure, and she did not believe that she could continue to live like she was until the kids were grown.  As a relationship coach, my priority was to help Maria to reconnect on an emotional level with her husband. 

Maria's coaching needs

Maria needed to build enough respect with her husband so that he would talk to her as an equal rather than as a subordinate.  She also needed to learn how to become less financially and emotionally dependent on her husband.  She had been expecting him to take care of all her needs and that was clearly not about to happen.  Being patient or a “good wife” was actually turning her into a miserable one.

Maria's progress in relationship coaching

Maria learned how to effectively communicate with her husband’s traditional response, his selfish behavior, and his unreasonable expectations.  I prepared Maria for the inevitable anger her husband would have as she made changes.  She learned how to deal with his anger without fighting or withdrawing, and gradually her husband adjusted and calmed down.  It was an early victory for her. Her major breakthrough came when she began to become more actively involved with her husband.  Her husband came to say of her, “She’s one tough bitch,” but Maria was ok with that because of the way he meant it and because it gave his friends a way of understanding his change in behavior toward her. When we completed her coaching, Maria felt both loved and satisfied with her relationship.  I miss working with her, but I am glad she is happy.

 

Making sure your relationship gets better too

How will you use your feeling of being used?

One way to get extra help when you are feeling used is to get counseling. A counselor will listen and be supportive. While not skills focused, this can be a big help for your day to day living.

A more skills based approach is to use relationship coaching. If you are emotionally ready to make changes, a consultation with a coach can help you to feel sure about your actions.