End sexlessness and distance in marriage and committed relationships

 

Issues like sexless relationships are symptoms of emotional distance.  You can make changes that heal and create closeness again.

IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN TWO YEARS since Tom and Beth have made love. Two years. As Beth grabbed her novel and headed for bed, she wondered where her relationship went.  It was getting harder to hang on to what used to be, and she had no desire to keep living like this.

Her husband didn't seem like the same man she married.  They were becoming strangers.

It's not the way she wanted things to be.  But, was it really the way Tom wanted things to be?  The truth is, it was frustrating and sad for both of them.   They were two sad and lonely people holding on to their relationship for reasons they didn't understand anymore.  Tom somehow managed to go on day after day, but Beth was becoming more and more frustrated.  She wondered why Tom didn't care.  She thought that maybe Tom didn't love her anymore.  And, she thought that maybe it didn't matter because she honestly didn't know if she loved him anymore either.

There are millions of wives and husbands who are emotionally in Tom and Beth's position.

Not all of them have advanced as far as they have.  Not as many were able to be so "patient".  But, like Beth and Tom, they have no idea how to fix their relationship and are having serious doubts about whether it's even possible.  Beth loves her husband.  She doesn't know it, but Tom loves her too.  It's plain, though, that love is not enough to make their marriage work.

Beth and Tom have taken what psychologists and relationship coaches call a "reactive position."

Their interactions are based on what the other person does and does not do.  He doesn't say he loves her, so she doesn't either.  She doesn't greet him when he comes home, so he doesn't either.  He doesn't want to talk about problems, so they don't talk.  He doesn't want to go to bed with her, so she reads a book.  He gets upset, so she is careful around him.  Tom is doing what he knows how to do and Beth is doing what she knows how to do.  If they don't learn to do better, their marriage is going to come to an end.

For wives like Beth, and husbands like Tom, there is hope and help.

Husbands like Tom may be struggling with depression, emotional problems, addictions, work stress, or life disappointment.  Most of these men don't  get into either marriage counseling or relationship coaching.  They suffer silently and their wives suffer with them.  Wives like Beth become martyrs until they figure out that their martyrdom is not helping anyone.  By that point, they are often too burned out to work on their relationship.  Divorce seems to hold the hope that they can't get from their marriage anymore.  But, isn't there a better way?

The solution is for one or both of them to make a change. Only the right change can prevent divorce.

Either Beth or Tom could have an affair, or separate, or discuss divorce.  With this level of distance in the relationship, the result of such actions is likely to bring about the end of their marriage.  These are only the obvious choices and temptations--they are not the good ones.  The best choice for one, or both of them is to start relationship coaching.

How would relationship coaching help people like Tom and Beth?

Relationship coaching, as done by Dr. Ito, is very different from a counseling approach.  Although the coach will gather some background information, most of the time will be focused on two things:  1) discovering what Tom and Carol would really enjoy in their relationship; and 2) making the right choices that will make those changes happen.  One, or both of them, will learn to stop being reactive, and instead to focus on making their desired changes happen.  Even if Carol has started coaching without Tom, her changes will soon result in his changing, too.  He certainly can't just continue reacting the same to Carol if she is changing!  The most important contribution of a coach is making sure the changes benefit the relationship and bring lasting results.  Temporary improvements, as often happen with counseling,  would just create more hopelessness.   Relationship coaching helps permanently by teaching skills that you will never lose, and by giving you low conflict, positive ways, to improve your relationship now.

Where did the love go?  We self-protect by turning off love.  As soon as you make things better, it will come out again.