Emotionally abusive relationships: End the abuse, not the relationship

 

You can end the abuse by 1) leaving your partner; OR 2) stopping the abuse. Both are within your power.

If your husband, wife, or significant other is emotionally abusing you, you are not to blame

No matter what an abused person has done, abuse always starts in the mind of the person doing the abusing.  It is a way for them to ineffectively cope with their frustrations or it fits a set of distorted beliefs that they have learned.  These two basic principles can help you to save your relationship and stop the emotional abuse—1)  the abuse is not your fault, 2) the abuse is a result of a problem that your partner has.

Don’t get caught up in the thinking of an emotionally abusive partner

There is a certain logic to the thinking of any person, from their perspective.  Reasoning with an emotionally abusive partner. It will be your reasoning against his (or hers) and he is not motivated to believe that he is in the wrong. Although you can try to limit your actions (walk on eggshells) so that they don’t set off emotionally abusive behavior, this is not an effective long term solution.  The main reason for this is that the because it doesn't change the way your partner thinks. You end up having to always be careful. And that will just make you feel all the more alone in your relationship.

Continuing to be a victim of your partner’s emotional abuse does not help him, and in fact, it does harm

To restore your relationship, means to bring it to the point where it is good for both you and your husband.  His hurting you is bad for him as well as bad for you, because it makes your relationship worse. Although he does things that harm your relationship, he doesn't want to have a bad relationship either. No one wants to have a bad relationship. Helping him to change, to stop being abusive, will help the both of you, and make love grow again. Helping him to stop emotionally abusing you is one of the most loving things you can do.

Strategies like threatening to divorce, break up, or even separating are usually only effective for the short term

The emotionally abusive husband most often will express regret and usually very sincerely if you leave him.  The reason he can be so sincere is because you really are important to him.  And at that time, he will desire to change in order to have you back.  He will suppress his behavior, not change the way he thinks. He simply doesn't know how to change the way he thinks. Once you are back together, or the threat of losing you is gone, old patterns will gradually reemerge. You may have already experienced this.

The best long term strategy is to help him to become more effective at what he is really trying to do when he abuses you.

His goal is not really to abuse you. He probably doesn't even think of it as abuse at all. He's really trying to satisfy a need he has .  There are various possibilities for what that need is, and it will depend on his background, but it could be a need to feel secure, or in control, or to be reassured, or to keep a certain emotional distance, or many other possibilities.  Up until now, when is abusive, he is partially effective in meeting this need. But, at the cost of his relationship with you.

He continues to abuse, even if it is harmful, because it meets his needs some of the time

Like playing a slot machine in a casino, if something works one time in twenty, it is enough to keep your husband (or you), doing the same things, in the same way, day after day.  To stop his abuse, you need to learn to respond to him in such a way that there is never a payoff for him. At the same time, though, you need to help him to get the result he is really after. There are good ways for him to feel in control, to feel powerful, to feel important, to disagree with you, or whatever he is really trying to achieve.

The only way he knows to stop abusing now is to suppress his behavior.

But, he can't do that permanently. The more stress he has, the shorter the time he can suppress his behavior, and the more emotionally he will explode when he can't suppress anymore. But, when you learn what to say and do when he is abusive, and he learns how to be more effective, suppression doesn't happen. There is no build up. There is no explosion. Everyday, my clients are using these skills to rebuild their relationships, and to feel in love again.

The most important place to start is by identifying why your partner is abusive

If you still think it's because of you, then you have been caught up in your partner's way of thinking. No, there is something about your partner that makes that way a little helpful for him (or her). As your relationship coach, we can work together, to figure out what that is, and how to respond in a way that both stops the abuse and enhances your relationship. The most common advice others will give you is to end your relationship, but that is only necessary if you don't learn how to change this situation. The skills training and tools you need to save your relationship are part of the Difficult Partner Coaching Package, and can help you to significantly improve your relationship by the end of the month. You don't have to walk on egg shells any more.