Angry men can change--with your help

 

Improving your relationship means two things--1)  stopping the damage, now, and 2) changing the way you react to his or her anger

(Note: You can read John's comments about this at the bottom of the page)

John starts shouting almost before he closes the front door. 

Whatever he’s got to say, has been building all day.  As he shouts, red faced, squint eyed, scowling, at his wife Carol, she says nothing.  John even pauses at times to wait for her response.  Still she says nothing.  Finally, he stops and asks her if she isn’t going to say anything.

Carol calmly replies, “Yes, I am.  I was waiting for you to finish so I could make sure I heard your important points.”  Carol then restates the points she heard her husband make.  She doesn’t defend herself against his accusations, she doesn’t try to explain her behavior, and she doesn’t give counter-arguments.

If he starts shouting again, she doesn’t try to calm him down.   When he stops, she restates his points again.  Feeling understood, but getting no answers, he demands them from his wife.

“I will answer all your questions,” she says, “but not right now. We can set a time when you are calm and I will answer everything.  Whenever you come at me, shouting like that, I will listen, but I won’t give you answers at that time.” (Just as she has learned in coaching).

“To hell with that!” John replies, and storms off.

Carol does NOT follow him.  For the first time in 5 years, John’s shouting did not lead to an argument.  His wife has taken control.  What looks like a failed attempt to talk to her husband is actually a success.  Partners don't cooperate  at the beginning of change.  But, in less than two weeks, the shouting will be over.

Carol represents one of the many women I coach each day.

They all have two things in common:  1)  they love their husbands, and 2) their husbands are driving them crazy.   Carol is learning how to stop her husband’s bad behavior from being successful with her, one of two keys to changing his behavior.

The other key  is helping him to learn how to get what he wants (in this case, answers) in a way that actually builds the relationship. 

It's hard, but it’s not as hard as continuing to live with John, the way things are.  And on this first day of change, she has done great!  She can't wait to share her success with her me.  Carol still needs to learn how to talk with John and help him to talk to her, but before that can happen, and as her coach, I will guide her a step at a time.  Eventually, John will be as motivated to work on the relationship as she is.

Carol, and many women like her are learning with a relationship coach how to make changes in their relationships.

No longer willing to endure a bad relationship, they initiate and create change rather than leaving.  Many will still have a backup plan of leaving, if changing things doesn’t work.  But, what becomes apparent again and again, is that their husbands do still love them, and that change is possible.

I also work with many men whose wives have separated from them. 

They don’t want to lose their wives, and know they must change, but don’t know how.  My heart goes out to these men who feel hurt, rejected, angry, and sad all at the same time as they try to figure out what to do--how to change--how to stop their wives from divorcing them.  I help them to make big changes, and little, important changes, too.

You can help your husband, too, without needing to separate.  If you work with me, it will be my privilege to teach you how with difficult partner coaching. Another option is for you to get counseling, for extra support, as you end your relationship. Only you know what is right for you.

John's Comments: Two months after I started with Carol, John joined Carol in coaching.  I asked him what went on in his mind when his wife first started to change the way they interacted.  "At first, I didn't take her seriously, but when she didn't stop I got kind of worried about it.  But, I realize now that what she did gave us a chance to really talk [instead of fighting]."  I asked him if he was glad now, that she did that.  "Oh yeah."

(John and Carol's names and identifying information  have been changed to protect their confidentiality).