Calming down an upset husband, wife, or partner

 

You are ready to make up after your fight.  But your husband, wife (or significant other) isn't.  How can you respond to this situation and get back on track?

You know the fighting wasn’t good

Whether it was your fault or not, you wish it didn’t happen and just want things to get back on track.  You would like to kiss and make up like everyone does in the movies.  Your spouse seems to be stuck in reverse while you are trying to move forward--creating more distance between you.  What can you do?

First, don’t be surprised

Don’t be surprised and upset by your spouse’s reaction.  If you are usually the one who wants to make up first, then you can use this pattern to your advantage rather than be surprised by it.  Everything that happens predictably can be planned for.  Just like a coaching client, you can identify your predictable patterns and plan for every one of them. Planning will help you to respond well rather than overly react.

Secondly, listen

Listen to any continued attacks without defending or counterattacking. This should prevent another argument flare up.  Just listen.  Don’t try to calm, don’t try to reason.  Listen, listen, listen.  Let him or her get it all out. Put your hand on your mouth if you need to stop yourself from talking when you are listening. Keep your mind on your goal of making up. There will be a better time for correcting misinformation.

Thirdly, don’t get burned on a hot stove

If your partner is very upset, back off and come back later.  He or she still needs to calm down more.  Try again later.  Don't give up.  Don’t demand a quick return to normal and don’t give a lot of attention to him/her.  You don’t want to teach him that he can get a lot of attention by sulking.  Let him bore himself with it.  If he runs out, don’t chase him down. In coaching, clients learn the difference between wanting to work on things and being needy. Waiting until he is ready will help keep you from appearing needy.

Be agreeable

If your partner is relatively calm, but is still attacking, think about his or her statements and agree with whatever you can without giving apologies, without defending, and without giving reasons.  If you can't do this, tell him or her that you need some time to consider what he or she is saying and then go away until you can find something that you agree with. Just as points of differences divide people, points of agreement pull them together.

Example

You’re calm and want to make up.  Your wife says that all you care about is yourself.  Wanting to agree with her without apologizing, defending, or attacking, you respond, “Sometimes I do get that way.”  Or “If I were you, I’d probably think the same thing.” That’s it. Continue to be focused on listening and looking for agreement.

Be ready for the sneak attack

You are being calm while your partner is not.  There is a good chance that while you are trying to help your partner to be calm, he/she will say something to make you really upset—a real low blow.  Best thing to do—let it go, walk away. If she demands a response, then tell her that what she is saying is a very important subject, but you want to wait until you can both talk nicely to each other before you discuss it.  Say that you both need to recover a little more before working on things (true enough).  Then walk away.  Do something else.

Example

Your wife says all you care about is yourself.  You agree with her that sometimes you do get that way.  She says that she can’t keep living this way and wants a divorce because you are too terrible to change.  You say, “That’s a really important thing to talk about, but we both need to recover from our fight before we get into such things.  I’m going to go (for a walk, watch TV, get back to work, etc.),  If you get feeling better, you are welcome to join me (call me, text me, etc.).”  Then walk away without getting pulled into an argument.  If he/she is upset about your walking away, that’s probably a whole lot better than what would have happened in a continued fight.

Repeat this process as many times as it takes

Usually, it won't take more than two times of listening and agreeing sincerely with a person before he or she wants to reconcile. If the time it takes to reconcile is becoming longer and longer despite your best efforts, it is time for relationship coaching. When we do our best, but things continue to get worse, it is time for professional help. This is true for finances, education, health, mental health, and relationships. Do what you can to make things better, but get help when they are not. 

If your partner also admits to wrongdoing,

Listen quietly and respectfully.  Don’t interrupt and don’t provoke.  State your desire just to get back to a good relationship again.  If your partner doesn't admit to anything, that's OK.  If your partner admits to wrongdoing, but continues to have the same kind of behavior frequently, arguing now won't stop it. For that, you can get counseling to work on separating, or you can get intervention coaching to learn how to put in place boundaries that completely stop that behavior. Because we can't stop behaviors with arguments, but we can stop arguments with behavior.

If you would like to receive the same kinds of benefits that others are receiving from relationship coaching, including an intervention specifically designed for your relationship, you can get a complete one month coaching package here.