Being the first to make changes, in a positive way, can fix your relationship

 

Becoming positive lowers your partner's resistance to change. You get more of what you want in a shorter time.

Does this sound like you?

Sometimes seeing other couples having fun is depressing. We think of our own relationship with both feelings of sadness and regret. We wonder if we would be happier with someone else. We don't know what to do, so we just push it out of our mind and keep busy with other things that really don't matter much to us. We feel time slipping by. We think, if only he..., if only she..., we could have such a better relationship. How did we start out so happy and end up being so miserable?

Angela was one such person.  She knew there were things that she should do, must do, if things were to change, but she was afraid of upsetting the apple cart.

She tried to think positively, but her good mood would burst like a bubble with just one uncaring, irritated look or one sharp tone from her husband.  So, most of the time, she just tip-toed around him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she also felt drained of energy.  Like a wind up toy which had been wound up too often.  She used to have so much energy and things she wanted to do. The mirror on the wall was not her friend anymore because she didn't like the person she saw when she looked in it.  Instead of her reflection telling her she was the fairest in all the land and the apple of her husband’s eye, it just told her she was  getting older.  She could see the future more clearly because each day was the same.  So she preferred to think about the past.  She was on a road going  nowhere with a traveling companion who didn’t enjoy her company.  She was in a bad relationship.  Being positive seemed hopelessly out of the question.

As you know, we can’t continue to think positively when our life continues to go negatively.  We can’t force it because it’s not connected to anything good in our future.

What Angela was doing and what many people are doing is “reacting”.  Reactions are what come naturally, like quickly moving your hand away when you feel something hot, or jumping back when you suddenly see a spider near you.  It doesn’t take any preparation.  It is instinctive.  Reactivity is a built-in safeguard that keeps us safe when we are in immediate danger.  But, when the danger is ongoing, and more stressful than life threatening, quick reactions are not helpful.  Like Angela, people become worn down and burned out by being in reactive mode day after day.  And by being careful all the time. They condition themselves to fear their husband’s (or wife's) reactions to protect their own feelings.  That doesn’t work, though, because it continues a bad relationship, it doesn’t improve it.  People live for today, but in anticipation of the future.  When what we anticipate looks gloomy, our day to day life is drained of positive emotion.  We are drained. We can only smile at what used to make us laugh.  We feel nothing where we used to feel something.

Becoming positive means making a shift from being reactive to being proactive.  From avoiding the bad to doing the good. From seeing what is to seeing what can be.

We don't need to take on all of our problems at once.  We can be proactive just by knocking down one major obstacle, and then after that another. Each proactive change we make gives us more energy for the next. When we make these changes, our partners also become more motivated by our relationship. Becoming proactive in a relationship means temporarily taking the lead.  When you lead, you don’t have to make sure that your husband follows.  He will because, deep down, he loves you. If your husband really didn’t care about being left behind, he would have left already.  Your husband may or may not feel as hopeless as you, but he wants a better situation too.  Being proactive means starting the process that makes it possible for you to change your situation to a better one and for your husband to have a better situation too, with you.

Becoming positive means becoming proactive.  Being proactive means taking steps to deal with your immediate situation and moving forward to a new and better way of relating.

As you see more clearly and feel more deeply that reactivity is not helping you,, like Angela, you will become more and more willing to take a new approach.  You will begin to see that being brave, and loving, and admirable, means doing whatever is necessary to get love, and affection, and positive attention.  And that while many people can’t do those things, that you can, because you realize that life is short and relationships are important and that life is for living.

Your feelings let you know that things are not the way they are supposed to be, or could be.  Already you have learned many things from wise and experienced people. And you know, if you want to, you can learn to deal with your relationship problems in a positive and effective way. A good relationship coach is both a caring and know leg able person, who can help you to be more effective. After all, you deserve love, affection, and attention for your sacrifices and commitment to your relationship.  You don't really want to continue to be reactive any more than your partner wants you to.

Here are some steps people make with their coach.  Only you can know how helpful these steps would be for you:

1.   Finding immediate small and important changes to make.  Just like a huge flat tire can be fixed with a little patch, sometimes our relationships are like that.  One hole may have caused a lot of love to leak out.  Your relationship could be leaking love in specific places like communication issues, sexual issues, financial issues, family issues, or getting past  a traumatic event. A careful assessment from a relationship coach can help you to identify these in one day. 

2.  Understanding what will motivate your partner to make changes.  Your partner is missing out on a good relationship as much as you. And he can be very helpful to making the relationship better. But, it is obvious that he either doesn't know how, or is resisting your ideas. Understanding what motivates him will help you to both work on the same side, and that's a very positive way to improve your relationship.

3.   Predicting and planning. We can plan how we will react to any situation we can predict. That means an end to reactivity; and end to escalating conflict; a beginning to making things better. Knowing how to respond to what your partner says or does can change everything, especially what he says and does the next time. Your responses can help him to stop bad behaviors and become closer to you.

How important are these kinds of changes to your relationship? How much better would you feel about being that way?

Only you know if it would be helpful to wait for change or learn to make changes. If you want to wait, then counseling may give you the support you need to feel better until that happens. Or, if you are ready to make changes, with coaching you can learn positive steps that you can take now to draw the both of you together again. A smaller first step you might like to take is simply to write to me about your situation. It will help you to clarify your thinking. If you would like a little bigger step, you can get a one on one consultation where you can talk about your situation and get started in the right direction for you.