Do you feel used and unappreciated in your relationship?
You can give less, get more, and have a stronger relationship with just a few changes
Listen to the feeling
Your feelings are like traffic signals for your behavior. "Green" feelings (the good ones) mean keep it up, "red" ones (bad, bad, feelings) mean stop right away, and "yellow" (worry and confusion) signal a change is happening. Feeling used, and feeling unappreciated are also yellow lights that signal a change in your relationship. What is changing for you is your love and connection to your partner. It is decreasing and getting weaker. What may be changing for your partner is having less and less respect for you.
Are you giving or doing too much?
The place to start is with what you are giving or doing that makes you feel used. Are the things you are doing unreasonable for a relationship? Are they far above and beyond what you would expect from your partner? Or is it that the things you are doing are not really the problem; rather it’s how little you are getting in return. If you really are doing too much, then doing less is your prescription for decreasing resentment.
Are you getting too little in return?
If you are not doing too much, but you are getting too little, then doing less will make things worse. Doing less will give your partner a legitimate reason to complain about you. Of course then you can complain back, but this will just become a downward spiral of bitterness, resentment, and holding back love. Not a good way to build your relationship. Getting even never gets us more.
Communicate clearly what you want
Don’t let your husband’s/wife’s/partner's excuse ever be, “You didn’t tell me.” If you believe that your partner should know what you want, but you are not getting it, then it is time to assume their cluelessness. Nicely fill him in on what you want. “Honey, I want you to thank me and give me a hug when I do things for you,” for example. Or, “I want you to spend two hours with the kids in the evening so I can have some time for myself.” Be positive, and be specific. If you have a problem asking for what you want, it’s probably a self-esteem problem on your part. If he or she refuses, then at least it’s not because of your lack of communication.
Communicate clearly what you don’t want
Often our partners are trying to show us their love by giving to us what they want, enjoy, and need. That’s great if we both have the same needs and desires. But often that is not the case. One person likes gifts, while the other prefers practical help. One person likes to spend time talking, the other prefers activities. If what your partner is doing does not make you feel loved and appreciated, say so—nicely. “Honey, I know you are showing your love by giving me little gifts, but it doesn’t really make me feel loved. What would make me feel loved is your helping around the house (going bowling with me, sitting and talking with me, etc.).
Make sure you are not giving too much of what your partner doesn’t want
Could you be speaking the wrong love language to your partner? Are you doing things for him/her when he would rather you do something together with him? Are you spending 3 hours a day cooking when he would be just as happy with TV dinners? If you are not speaking the right love language with your partner, there is also a good chance that you are not speaking the right love language with your children, family, or friends. Everybody has different needs and desires.
Become more valued and respected
Your husband, wife, or partner may be doing things which are harmful for the relationship. This can come in many forms--from directly mistreating you, to not being responsible, trustworthy, or by neglecting to put time into the relationship. It may be beyond his or her recognition that those things are bad for your relationship. He may see you as a whiner or complainer. Have good boundaries by: 1) refusing to participate in damaging behavior; and 2) refusing to allow yourself to be mistreated, and he will respect you more. Without that, love doesn’t have much chance for either of you.
Know your partner’s emotional limitations
If you believe your partner is not very concerned about your happiness in the relationship, expecting him to become that way, or thinking that he should be that way, will not actually result in change. Realize that he or she does not have your sensitivity (otherwise this problem wouldn’t exist). Empathy and giving are skills that many people are not good at. They didn’t choose to be that way. But, they can improve with help.
Help your partner to see the connection between his or her happiness and your own
First, make a list for yourself, of how your partner treating you better would benefit your partner. These are not “bribes” to get your partner to change. They are the natural results that a better relationship would have for your partner. They are the natural results that many people would realize, but that your partner may not. Then, communicate these to him/her. For example, you would be more trusting, so that he or she would feel less controlled; you would be more willing to do things with him that he enjoys, etc.
The skills needed to increase your partner’s appreciation and to not feel used
The skills required to make the changes talked about in this article are enhancing self-esteem, communication, boundary setting, and understanding what motivates your partner. If your relationship has multiple problems or severe problems in a single area, then relationship coaching will help you to make things better more quickly and easily. Whatever you do, don't wait for your yellow light to change to red.
