Communicate Better: Giving negative information and disagreeing in a good way

 

You can be attractive even when you are disagreeing when you use these methods

Communication is not as easy as it looks

People always say that communication is important to a relationship.  But communication is actually a concept much like romance.  Communication is both a skill and an art.  Good communicators, like good artists make communicating look easy even when it is not.  If you have ever done public speaking, interviewing, or even making voice recordings for a website, then you know it's not as easy as it looks.

Better communication starts with self-evaluation

Fortunately, you don't have to be artistic to learn to communicate better.  You do need to be able to evaluate yourself honestly and you need to assume that you have a lot to learn. The same goes for romance, by the way.  Simply knowing how to light a candle and open a champagne bottle is not going to make you a great romantic.  Romance is more than flowers and candy.  Communication is more than saying a line.

Learning from the pros

We hear about the "spin" that politicians put on what they say to make facts support whatever point they are trying to make.  No matter how much you may or may not like politicians and political speeches, we can learn something from their methods.  There are ways to present information so that it is more palatable to people.  If you only focus on giving information, there will be nothing that attracts the person to you.

Changing the way you give information

If we change the way that we give information in order to deceive people, that ultimately will not be in the best interest of our relationships, as the truth will be found out.  Politicians that make such deceptive statements find that out, too.  Trying to fool people is not a good idea.  But, there is still something to be said for the way that we package what we say.

A more attractive “package” makes a more attractive communication (and a more attractive you)

For example, saying "this class sucks," may be accurate as far as a student is concerned, but will do nothing for the student-teacher relationship.  Saying, "I am bored in this class and the textbook is confusing," is a step up from that and is actually more informative.  Going a step further, "I want to learn more interesting things and to use a different textbook," is better still.

We don’t always have to be nice

Everything that we say to a person doesn't have to be "nice," or something that the other person wants to hear.  We will, however have better relationships when we say what we want rather than what we don’t want.  Here is another example. "I wish I had a more exciting husband."  A step better would be, "We don't have any fun anymore."  Another step up, "I would like to do some fun things with you."  All may be accurate information, but which one do you think will be more helpful for your relationship?

We can disagree in a good way

“I disagree.”  What does that mean, really?  Does it  mean that you don’t agree with ANY part of what I am saying?  A simple statement like, “I disagree,” may even make the other person think that you are calling him or her stupid.  After all, what they are saying makes sense to them.  When we disagree, therefore, it is important to make the person feel good about communicating with you even though you have a different opinion

How not to disagree

Let’s suppose that your wife (or husband) suggests that you both take a trip to Paris for your anniversary.   You respond, “Go to Paris for our anniversary! We can’t even afford our car payments; how can we possibly go to Paris?” Your point about expenses may be valid, but you have just rejected your spouse as well as her message.

A positive example of disagreement

A good way is to say what you do agree with before saying what you disagree with. For example, “Going to Paris sounds like fun. We could see the sights and have some real French food. But, I don’t think we can afford it.” This approach helps your husband or wife to not feel like a fool.  What if you can’t find anything to agree with?  Don’t respond until you do.  Just tell your husband or wife that you need to think about it a bit.  That will force you to listen and think about why you are being given the message.

You may already be using this skill elsewhere

Sometimes we instinctively talk to our young children this way, “I sure wish we could, honey, but mommy has to work,” and to our spouse this way, “Forget it—you know I have to work.” The next time you find yourself disagreeing, check yourself to make sure you agreed with something first.  Keep in mind that your goal is to have a good relationship and not to win a debate.

As a relationship coach, I help people every day to improve the way that their partners talk to them.  I do this by helping them to change the way they listen and respond to their partners.  Change yourself first, and you will change your world. If you had your own coach, what would be the most important question you would like to ask him? Now, here is your chance to ask.